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DIALECT BALLADS 



BY 



CHARLES FOLLEN ADAMS 

AUTHOR OP 

LEEDLE YAWCOB STRAUSS, AND OTHER POEMS" 



ILLUSTRATED BY ''BOZ'' 



NEW YORK 
HARPER & BROTHERS, FRANKLIN SQUARE 

1888 



Co;- 



o3 



Copyright, 1887, by Harper & Brothers. 



All rights reserved. 



in Bxchang© 
Brown University 

OCT 1 8 1932 



PREFACE. 



In the preface of a previous volume ("Leedle Yawcob 
Strauss, and Other Poems") the plea is made that "the 
writer, moving only in the mercantile world, feels that he 
has wandered into forbidden ground, and craves the in- 
dulgence of the literati for these attempts to ' woo the 
Muse' during the few leisure hours allowed to members 
of his vocation." The kind reception accorded the above- 
named volume, both by the literati and the public at 
large, renders it entirely unnecessary for any further 
"craving" on the part of the author in presenting this 
volume of his subsequent work ; not because he feels that 
it is free from faults and crudities, which are many, but 
because he hopes that the "one touch of nature that 
makes the whole world kin," even though expressed in 
homely, Anglo-Teutonic verse, will carry it, as it has its 
predecessor, to the great heart of the people, which he be- 

7 



PREFACE. 

lieves is still large enough to sympathize with the senior 
Strauss in his social troubles and daily perplexities. 

Many of these poems have appeared in the columns of 
Harper's Magazine, the Detroit Free Press, and other 
publications, and the present compilation is designed as a 
companion volume to "Leedle Yawcob Strauss, and Other 
Poems," with which it is nearly uniform in size and gen- 
eral style. The ilhistrations, like those in the previous 
volume, are from the pencil of Mr. M. J. Sweeney ("Boz"), 
for whose hearty co-operation the author is largely in- 
debted. 

Charles Follen Adams. 



CONTENTS. 



PAGE 

Mine Vamily 11 

" Ah-goo !" 16 

" Don'd Feel too Big !" 21 

Mine Moder-in-law 26 

Yaw, Dot ish So ! 33 

Der Shpider und der Fly 35 

Mine Schildhood 41 

Der Vater-mill 46 

Der Oak und der Vine 50 

Mine Shildren 56 

Der Deutscher's Maxim 62 

** Cut, Cut Behind !" 67 

A Zoological Romance 72 

The Young Tramp 77 

Mother's Doughnuts 83 

He didn't Understand 89 

Roller-skating 92 

9 



CONTENTS. 

PAGK 

Prevalent Poetry 95 

Thanksgiving 97 

The Butcher's Courtship 105 

My Infundibuliform Hat 108 

The Little Conqueror 112 

Dot Leedle Loweeza , 116 

Mine Katrine 121 

Versified Puns : 

Cryptogamic 125 

Penny Wise 126 

Advice for the New Year 126 

A Floorer 127 

Going through the Rye 127 

All in his Eye 128 

Fall Poetry 128 

Early Rising 129 

Time's Changes 129 

Home Memories 130 

Country Sounds 130 

The Bachelor's Consolation 133 

Pat's Logic 133 

The Lover's Lament , . 134 

Almost an Argonaut 134 

What's Honor 135 

Casabianca 135 

Sharp Shooting 136 

10 




MINE VAMILY. 



DiMBLED scheeks, mit eyes off plue, 
Mout' like id vas moisd mit dew, 
Und leedle teeth shust peekin' droo 
Dot's der baby. 
11 



MINE VAMILT. 

Curly head, imd full off glee, 
Browsers all oudt at der knee — 
He vas peen blaying horse, you see- 
Dot's leedle Yawcob. 




12 



MINE VAMILT. 




Von hundord-seexty in der shade, 
Der oder day vhen she vas veighed 
She beats me soon, I vas avraid — 
Dot's mine Katrina. 

13 



MINE VAMIL7. 

Barefooted head, iind pooty stoudt, 
Mit grooked legs dot vill bend oudt, 
Fond off his bier nnd sauer- kraut — 
Dot's me himself. 




14 



MINE VAMILT. 



Von schmall young baby, full off fun, 
Von leedle prite-eyed, roguish son, 
Von frau to greet vhen vork vas done- 
Dot's mine vamily. 



15 



"AH-GOO !" 



VoT vas id mine baby vas trying to say, 
Vhen I goes to hees crib at der preak off der day ? 
Und oudt vrom der plauket peeps ten leedle toes, 
So pink und so shveet as der fresh plooming rose, 
Und twisting und curling dhemselves all aboudt, 
Shust like dhey vas saying, "Ve vant to get oudt!" 
Vhile dot baby looks oup mit dhose bright eyes 

so plue, 
Und don'd could say nodings, shust only, 
"Ah.o;oo!" 

Vot vas id mine baby vas din king aboudt, 
Vhen dot thumb goes so qvick in hees shveet 
leedle mout', - , 

16 



lm% 




17 



''AH-GOO!" . 

Und he looks righdt avay, like he no undershtandt 
Der reason he don'd could qvite shvallow hees 

handt ; 
Und he digs rait dhose fingers righdt into hees 

eyes, 
Vhich fills hees oldt fader mit fear und surbrise; 
Und vhen mit dhose shimnasdic dricks he vas 

droo, 
He lay back und crow, und say nix budt 
"Ah -goo!" 

Vot makes dot shmall baby shmile vhen he's 
ashleep ; 

Does he dink he vas blaying mit some von "bo- 
peep r 

Der nurse say dhose shmiles vas der sign he haf 
colic — 

More like dot he dhreams he vas hafinoj some 
frolic ; 

19 



. ^'AH-GOO!" 

I feeds dot oldt nurse mit creen abbles some day, 
Und dhen eef ^A^sh miles, I pelief vot she say; 
Vhen dot baby got cramps he find someding to do 
Oxcept shmile, und blay, und keep oup hees 
"Ah -goo!" 

I ask me, somedimes, vhen I looks in dot crib, 
"Vill der shirdt-frondt, von day, dake der blace 

off dot bib? 
Vill dot plue-eyed baby dot's pooling mine hair 
Know all vot I knows aboudt drouble und care?" 
Dhen I dink off der vorldt, mit its bride und its 

sins, 
Und I vish dot mineself und dot baby vas tvins, 
Und all der day long I haf nodings to do 
Budt shust laugh und crow, und keep saying, 
"Ah- goo!" 



20 




"DOFD FEEL TOO BIG!" 



A FROG vas a -singing von day in der brook 
(Id vas beddher, mine friends, you don'd feel 
too big!), 

21 



''DON'D FEEL TOO BIG!" 

Und he shvelled mit pride, und be say, "Shust 

look; 
Doii'd I sing dhose peautiful songs like a book T 
(Id vas beddher, mine friends, you don'd feel 

too big !) 







32 



BOND FEEL TOO BIGP 




A fish came a-sbvimming along dot vay 

(Id vas beddher, mine friends, you don'd feel 
too big !) ; 
^ I'll dake you oudt off der vet," he say ; 
Und der leedle froggie vas shtowed a vay. 

(Id vas beddher, mine friends, you donVl feel 
too big !) 

23 



DON'D FEEL TOO BIG!' 



A hawk flew down und der fish dook in 

(Id vas beddher, mine friends, you don'd feel 
too big !) ; 
Und der hawk he dink dot der shmardest vin 
Vhen he shtuck his claws in dot fish's shkin. 
(Id vas beddher, mine friends, you don'd feel 
too big!) 




''DON'D FEEL TOO BIQr 

A hunter vas oudt mit his gun aroundt 

(Id vas beddher, mine friends, you don'd feel 
too big!), 
Und he say vhen der hawk vas brought to der 

groundt, 
Und der fish und der leedle frog vas foundt, 
" It vas beddher, mine friends, you don'd feel 
too big!" 



25 



MINE MODER-m-LAW. 



Dhere vas many qveer dings, in dis land off der 
free, 

I neffer could qvite understand; 
Der beoples dhey all seem so deefrent to me 

As dhose in mine own faderland. 
Dhey gets blendy droubles, und indo mishaps, 

Mitoudt der least bit off a cause ; 
Und, vould you pelief id ? dhose mean Yangee 
chaps, 

Dhey fights mit dheir moder-in-laws! 

Shust dink off a vhite man so vicked as dot! 
Vhy not gife der oldt lady a show? 

26 




27 



MINE MODER-IN-LAW. 




Il/njljiv^^ 



Who vas id gets oup, vhen der nighdt id vas 
hot, 
Mit mine baby, I shust like to know? 

29 



MINE MODEB-IN-LAW. 

Und dhen in der vinter, vhen Katrine vas sick, 
Und der mornings vas shnowy und raw, 

Who made righdt avay oup dot fire so qvick? 
Vhy, dot vas mine moder-in-law. 

Id vas von off dhose voman's righdts vellers, I 
been — 
Dhere vas nodings dot's mean aboudt -me; 
Vhen der oldt lady vishes to run dot masheen, 

Vhy, I shust lets her run id, you see. 
Und vhen dot shly Yawcob vas cutting some 
dricks 
(A block off der oldt chip he vas, yaw !), 
Eef she goes for dot chap like some dousands off 
bricks. 
Dot's all righdt! She's mine moder-in-law. 

Veek oudt und veek in, id vas alvays der same, 
Dot vomans vas boss off der house; 

30 



MINE MODEB-IN-LAW. 




\-A,.^.\: 



Budt, dhen, neffer mindt ! I vas glad dot she 
came, 
She vas kind to mine young Yawcob Strauss. 

31 



MINE MODER-IN-LAW. 

Und vhen dhere vas vater to get vrom der 
sbpring, 

Und fire-vood to shplit oup und saw, 
She vas velcome to do id. Dhere's not anyding 

Dot's too goot for mine moder-in-law. 




32 



TAW, DOT ISH SO ! 



Yaw, dot isli so ! Yaw, dot ish so ! 

" Dis vorldt vas all a fleeting show." 
I shrnokes mine pipe, 
I trinks mine bier, 

Und efry day to vork I go ; 

"Dis vorldt vas all a fleeting show;" 
Yaw, dot ish so ! 

Yaw, dot ish so ! Yaw, dot ish so ! 

I don'd got mooch down here below, 

I eadt tmd trink, 

I vork und shleep, 
B 33 



YAW, DOT I8H SO! 

Und find oiidt, as I oldter grow, 
I haf a hardter row to hoe ; 
Yaw, dot ish so ! 

Yaw, dot ish so ! Yaw, dot ish so ! 
Dis vorldt don'd gife me haf a show ; 

Somedings to vear, 

Some food to eadt ; 
Vot else ? Shust vait a rainude, dough ; 
Katrina, und der poys ! Oho ! 

Yaw, dot ish so ! 

Yaw, dot ish so ! Yaw, dot ish so ! 
Dis vorldt don'd been a fleeting show\ 

I haf mine frau, 

I haf mine poys, 
To cheer me daily, as I go ; 
Dot's pest as anydings I know ; 

Yaw, dot ish so ! 

34 



DER SHPIDER UID DER FLY. 



I EEADS in Yawcob's shtory book, 

A couple veeks ago, 
Von firsd-rade boem, vot I dinks 

Der beoples all should know. 

35 



DEB SHPIDEB UND DER FLY. 

Id ask dis goot conundhrum, too, 
Vicli ve should brofit by : 

"• ' Vill you indo mine barlor valk V 
Says der shpider off der fly." 




Dot set me dinking, righdt avay, 
Und vhen, von afdernoon, 

A shbeculator he cooms in, 
Und dells me, pooty soon, 

36 



DEB 8HPIDEB UND DER FLY. 

He haf a silfer mine to sell, 
Und ask me eef I puy, 

I dink off der oxberience 
Off dot plue- pottle fly. 




Der oder day, vben on der cars 
I vent py ISTie Yorck, oudt, 

I meets a fraulein on der train, 
Who dold me, mit a pout, 

37 



DEB 8HPIDEB UND DEB FLY. 

She likes der Deutscher shentlemens, 
Und dells me sit peside her — 

I dinks, maype, I vas der fly, 
Und she vas peen der shpider. 




I vent indo der shmoking-car, 
Vhere dhey vas blaying boker, 

Und also haf somedings dhey calls 
Der funny "leedle joker." 

38 



BEB 8HPIDER UND DER FLY. 



Some money id vas shanging hands, 
Dhey wanted me to try — 

I says, "You vas too brevious; 
I don'd vas peen a fly !" 




On Central Park a shmardt young man 

Says, "Strauss, bow vas you peen^" 

Und dake me kindly py der hand, 

Und ask off mine Katrine. 
39 



DEB SEPIDER UND DEB FLY. 

He vants to shange a feefty bill, 

Und says liees name vas Schneider— 

Maype, berhaps he vas all righdt; 
More like he vas a shpider. 

Mosd efry day some shvindling chap, 

He dries hees leedle game; 
I cuts me oudt dot shpider biece, 

Und poot id in a frame; 
Righdt in mine shtore I hangs id oup, 

Und near id, on der shly, 
I geeps a glub, to send gvick oudt 

Dhose shpiders "on der fly." 



40 



MINE SCHILDHOOD. 



Der schiltren dhey vas poot in ped, 

All tucked oup for der nighdt ; 
I dakes mine pipe der mantel off, 

Und py der fireside prighdt 
I dinks aboudt vhen I vas young — 

Off moder, who vas tead, 
Und how at nio;hdt — like I do Hans- 

She tucked me oup in ped. 

I mindt me off mine fader, too, 

Und how he yoost to say, 
^'Poor poy, you haf a hardt oldt row 

To hoe, und leedle blay !" 

41 



MINE 8CHILDH00D. 

I find me oudt dot id vas drue 

Vot mine oldt fader said, 
Vhile smoodhing down mine flaxen hair 

Und tucking me in ped. 

Der oldt folks ! Id vas like a dhream 

To shpeak off dhem like dot. 
Gretchen und I vas "oldt folks" now, 

Und haf two schiltren got. 
Ve lofes dhem more as neffer vas, 

Each leedle curly head, 
Und efry nighdt ve takes dhem oup 

Und tucks dhem in dheir ped. 

Budt dhen, somedimes, vhen I feels plue, 
Und all dings lonesome seem, 

I vish I vas dot poy again, 
Und dis vas all a dhream. 

42 




43 



MINE SCHILDHOOD. 

I vant to kiss mine moder vonce, 
Und vhen mine brayer vas said, 

To haf mine fader dake me oup 
Und tuck me in mine ped. 



45 



DER YATER-MILL 



I READS ahoudt dot vater-raill dot runs der life- 
long day, 

Und how der vater don'd coom pack vhen vonce 
id flows avay ; 

Und off der mill-shtreara dot glides on so beace- 
fully und shtill, 

Budt don'd vas putting in more vork on dot same 
vater -mill. 

Der boet says 'tvas beddher dot you holdt dis 
broverb fast — 

"Der mill id don'd vould grind some more mit 
vater dot vas past." 

46 



BEB VATEB-MILL. 

Dot boem id vas peautiful to read aboudt; dot's 

so ! 
Budt eef dot vater vasnH past how could dot mill- 

vheel go ? 
Und vhy make drouble mit dot mill vhen id vas 

been inclined 
To dake each obbordunidy dot's gifen id to 

grind ? 
Und vhen der vater cooras along in qvandidies 

so vast, 
Id lets some oder mill dake oup der vater dot 

vas past. 

Dhen der boet shange der subject, und he dells 

us vonce again, 
"Der sickle neffer more shall reap der yellow, 

garnered grain." 
Veil, vonce vas blendy, aind't id? Id vouldn't 

been so nice 

47 ^ 



DER VATEB-MILL. 

To haf dot sickle reaping oup der same grain 

ofer tvice ! 
Vliy, vot's der use off cutting oup der grass al- 

reaty mown ? 
Id vas pest, mine moder dold me, to let veil 

enough alone. 

"Der summer vinds refife no more leaves strewn 

o'er earth und main." 
Veil, who vants to refife dhem ? Dhere vas blen- 

dy more again ! 
Der summer vinds dhey shtep righdt oup in goot 

time to brepare 
Dhose blants und trees for oder leaves ; dhere soon 

vas creen vons dhere. 
Shust bear dis adverb on your mindts, mine 

frendts, und holdt id fast: 
Der new leaves don'd vas been aroundt undil der 

oldt vas past. 

48 



DEB VATEB-MILL. 

Dhen Deffer mindt der leaves dot's dead ; der 

grain dot's in der bin; 
Dhey both off dhem haf had dheir day, und shust 

vas gathered in. 
Und neffer mindt der vater vhen id vonce goes 

droo der mill; 
Ids vork vas done ! Dhere's blendy more dot 

vaits ids blace to fill. 
Let each von dake dis moral, vrom der king down 

to der peasant — 
Don'd mindt der vater dot vas past, budt der 

vater dot vas breseut. 



D 49 




DER OAK UND DER VINE. 



I don'd vas preaching voman's righdts, 

Or anyding like dot, 
Und I likes to see all beoples 

Shust gondented mit dheir lot; 
Budt I vants to gondradict dot shap 

Dot made dis leedle shoke: 

50 



DER OAK UND DEB VINE. 

" A voraan vas der glinging vine, 
Und man der shturdy oak." 




Berhaps, somedimes, dot may be driie, 
Budt, den dimes oudt off nine, 

I find me oudt dot man himself 
Vas been der glinging vine; 

51 



DER OAK UNB DEB VINE. 

Und vben hees friendts dhey all vas gone, 
Und he vas shust " tead proke," 

Dot's vhen der voiiian shteps righdt in, 
Und been der shturdy oak. 




Shust go oup to der paseball groundts 
Und see dhose " shturdy oaks " 

53 



DEB OAK UND DEB VINE. 

All planted rouiult ubon der seats — 
Shiist hear dheir laughs und shokes ! 

Dhen see dhose vomeus at der tubs, 
Mit glothes oudt on der lines: 

Vhich vas der shturdy oaks, mine frendts, 
Und vhich der glinging vines? 

Vhen Sickness in der householdt comes, 
Und veeks und veeks he shtays. 




53 



DER OAK TIND DEB VINE. 

Who vas id fighdts him mitoudt resdt, 
Dhose veary nighdts and days? 

Who beace und gomfort alvays priugs, 
Und cools dot fefered prow? 

More like id vas der tender vine 
Dot oak he glings to now. 




"Man vants budt leedle here pelow," 
Der boet von time said; 

54 



DEB OAK UND DEM VINE, 

Dbere's leedle dot man he don^d vant, 

I dink id means, inshted ; 
Und vhen der years keep rolling on, 

Dheir cares und droubles pringing. 
He vants to pe der shturdy oak, 

Und, also, do der glinging. 

Maype, vhen oaks dhey gling some more, 

Und don'd so shturdy been, 
Der glinging vines dhey haf some shance 

To helb run Life's masheen. 
In helt und sickness, shoy und pain. 

In calm or shtormy veddher, 
'Tvas beddher dot dhose oaks und vines 

Should alvays gling togeddher. 



55 



MINE SHILDREN. 



Oh, dhose shildren, dhose shildren, dhey boddher 

mine life ! 
Vh}^ don'd dhey keep qviet, like Katrine, mine | 

vife ? 
Vot makes dhem so shock fool off mischief, I vun- 

der, 
A-shumping der room roundt mit noises like dun- 

der? 
Hear dot ! Vas dhere anyding make sooch a noise 
As Yawcob und Otto, mine two leedle poys? 

Ven I dake oiip mine pipe for a goot qviet shmoke " 
Dhey crawl me all ofer, und dink id a shoke 

56 




57 



MINE 8HILDBEN. 

To go droo mine bockets to see vot dhey find, 
Und if mit der latch-key mine vatch dhey can vind. 
Td dakes someding more as dheir fader und moder 
To qviet dot Otto und his leedle broder. 

Dhey shtub oudt dheir boots, und vear holes in 

der knees 
Off dheir drousers und shtockings, und sooch 

dings as dhese. 
I dink if dot Croesus vas lifing to-day, 
Dhose poys make more bills as dot Kaiser could 

pay;. 

I find me qvick oudt dot some riches dake vings, 
Ven each gouple a tays I must buy dhem new 
dings. 

I pring dhose two shafers some toys efry tay. 
Pecause "Shonny Schwartz has sooch nice dings," 
dhey say, 

59 



MINE 8HILDBEN. 

" Und Shonny Schwartz' barents vas poorer as 



ve"- 



Dot's vot der young rashkells vas saying to me. 
Dot oldt Santa Klaus, mit a shleigh fool off toys, 
Don'd gif sadisfactious to dhose greedy poys. 

Dhey kick der clothes off vhen ashleep in dheir 

ped, 
Und get so mooch croup dot dhey almosdt vas 

dead; 
Budt id don'd made no tifferent: before id vas light 
Dhey vas oup in der morning mit pillow^s to fight ; 
I dink id was beddher you don'd got some ears 
Vhen dhey blay " Holdt der Fort," und dhen gif 
dree cheers. 

Oh, dhose shildren, dhose shildren, dhey boddher 

mine life ! — 
But shtop shust a leedle. If Katrine, mine vife, 

60 



MINE SHILDBEN. 

Uiid dhose leedle shildren, dhey don'd been 

around, 
Und all droo der house dhere vas neffer a sound — 
Veil, poys, vhy you look oup dot vay mit surbrise? 
I guess dhey see tears in dheir old fader's eyes. 



61 




DER DEUTSCHER'S MAXIM, 



Dhere vas vot you call a maxim 
Dot I hear der oder day, 

Und I wride id in mine album, 
So id don'd could got avay ; 

Und I dells mine leedle Yawcob 
He moost mind vot he's aboudt 



DEB DEUT8CHEB'8 MAXIM. 

" 'Tis too late to lock der sh table 
Vhen der horse he vas gone oudt." 




Vhen I see ubon der corners 

Off der shtreets, most efry night, 

Der loafers und der hoodlums, 

Who do nix but shvear und fight, 

I says to mine Katrina, 

"Let us make home bright und gay; 



DEB DEUTSGHEB'S MAXIM. 

Ve had petter lock der shtable, 
So our colts don'd got avay." 

Vhen vou see dhose leedle urchins, 
Not mooch ofer knee-high tall, 

Shump righdt indo der melon-patch, 
Shust owf der garden vail. 




Und vatch each leedle rashkell 

Vhen he cooms back mit hees '^boodle," 

64 



DER DEUT8GHEB\S MAXIM. 

Look oudt und lock your shtable, 
So your own nag don'd shkydoodle! 




Vhen der young man at der counter 

Vants to shpecgulate in shtocks, 

Und buys hees girl some timond rings, 

Und piles righdt oup der rocks, 
E 65 



BER DEUT8CHEB'8 MAXIM. 

Look oudt for dot young feller; 

Id vas safe enuff to say 
Dot der shtable id vas empty, 

Und der horse vas gone avay. 

Dhen dake Time by der fetlock: 

Don'd hurry droo life's courses; 
Rememper vot der boet says, 

^'Life's but a shpan" — off horses. 
Der poy he vas der comin' man ; 

Be careful vhile you may ; 
Shust keep der shtable bolted, 

Und der horse don'd got avay. 



"CUT, CUT BEHOD!" 



Vhen shnow und ice vas on der ground, 

Und merry sbleigh-bells shingle ; 
Vhen Shack Frost he vas been around, 

Und makes mine oldt ears tingle — 
I hear dhose roguish gamins say, 

"Let shoy pe unconfined!" 
Und dhen dhey go for efry shleigh, 

Und yell, " Cut, cut pehind !" 

It makes me shust feel young some more 
To hear dhose youngsters yell, 

Und eef I don'd vas shtiff und sore, 
Py shings ! I shust vould — veil, 

67 



" CUT, CUT BEHIND r 

Vhen some oldt pung vas coomiii' py, 

I dink I'd feel inclined 
To shump righdt in upon der shly, 

Und shout, " Cut, cut pehind !" 

I mind me vot mine fader said 

Vonce, vhen I vas a poy, 
Mit meeschief alvays in mine head, 

Und fool off life und shoy. 
" Now, Hans, keep off der shleighs," says he, 

" Or else shust bear in mind, 
I dake you righdt across mine knee, 

Und cut, cut, cut pehind !" 

Veil, dot vas years und years ago, 

Und mine young Yawcob, too, 
Vas now shkydoodling droo der shnow, 

Shust like I used to do; 

68 



''CUT, CUT BEHIND r 

Und vhen der piings coom py mine house, 

I shust peeks droo der plind, 
Und sings oiidt, "Go id, Yawcob Strauss, 

Cut, cut, cut, cut pehind !" 



71 



A ZOOLOGICAL ROMANCE. 

Inspired by an Unusual Flow of Animal Spirits. 



No sweeter girl ewe ever gnu 
Than Betty Marten's daughter Sue. 

With sable hare, small tapir waist, 
And lips you'd gopher miles to taste ; 

Bright, lambent eyes, like the gazelle. 
Sheep pertly brought to bear so well; 

Ape pretty lass, it w^as avowed, 
Of whom her marmot to be proud. 

72 



A ZOOLOGICAL BOMANCE. 

Deer girl ! I loved her as my life, 
And vowed to heifer for my wife. 

Alas ! a sailor, on the sly, 

Had cast on her his wether eye — 

He said my love for her was bosh, 
And my affection I musquash. 

He'd dog her footsteps everywhere, 
Anteater in the easv- chair. 



He'd setter round, this sailor chap, 
And pointer out upon the map 

The spot where once a cruiser boar 
Him captive to a foreign shore. 

73 



A ZOOLOGICAL ROMANCE. 

The cruel captain far outdid 

The yaks and crimes of Robert Kid. 

He oft would whale Jack with the cat, 
And say, ^' My buck, doe you like that? 

" What makes you stag around so, say ! 
The catamounts to something, hey V 

Then he would seal it with an oath, 
And say, " You are a lazy sloth ! 

" ni starve you down, my sailor fine. 
Until for beef and porcupine !" 

And, fairly horse with fiendish laughter. 

Would say, " Henceforth, mind what giraffe ter !" 

74 



A ZOOLOGICAL BOMANGE, 

In short, the many risks he ran 
Might well a llama braver man. 

Then he was wrecked and castor shore 
While feebly clinging to anoa; 

Hyena cleft among the rocks 

He crept, sans shoes and minus ox ; 

And when he fain w^ould goat to bed, 
He, had to lion leaves instead. 

Then Sue would say, with troubled face, 
"How koodoo live in such a place?" 

And straightway into tears would melt, 
And say, " How badger must have felt !" 

75 



A ZOOLOGICAL ROMANCE, 

While he, the brute, woodchuck her chin, 
And say, " Aye-aye, my lass !" and grin. 

3jfr ^t? 'f? ^ ^p J^pr ^,s 

Excuse these steers. . . . It's over now; 
There's naught like grief the hart can cow. 

Jackass'd her to be his, and she — 
She gave Jackal and jilted me. 

And now, alas ! the little minks 

Is bound to him with Hymen's lynx. 



76 



THE YOUNG TRAMP. 



Hello, thar, stranger ! Whar yer frum ? 
Come in and make yerself ter hum ! 
We're common folks — ain't much on style ; 
Come in and stop a little while ; 
'T won't do no harm ter rest yer some. 

Youngster, yer pale, and don't look well ! 
What, way frum Bosting ? Naow, dew tell ! 
Why, that's a hundred mile or so ; 
What started yer, Td like ter know, 
On sich a tramp ; got goods ter sell ? 

No home — no friends ? Naow that's too bad ! 
Wall, cheer up, boy, and don't be sad — 



THE YOUNG TRAMP. 

Wife, see what yer can fiad ter eat, 
And put the coffee on ter heat — 
We'll fix yer up all right, my lad. 

Willing ter work, can't git a job, 

And not a penny in yer fob \ 

Wall, naow, that's rough, I dew declare ! 

What, tears? Come, youngster, I can't bear 

Ter see yer take on so, and sob. 

How came yer so bad off, my son ? 

Father was killed? 'Sho' ; whar? Bull Kun ? 

Why, I was in that scrimmage, lad. 

And got used up, too, pretty bad ; 

I sha'n't forgit old 'sixty - one ! 

So yer were left in Bosting, hey ? 
A baby when he went away — 

78 










79 



THE TOTING TBAMP. 

Those Bosting boys were plucky, wife, , 
Yer know one of 'em saved my life, . 
Else I would not be here to - day. 

'Twas when the " Black Horse Cavalcade " 
Swept down upon our small brigade 
I got the shot that made me lame, 
When down on me a trooper came. 
And this 'ere chap struck up his blade. 

Poor feller ! He was stricken dead ; 
The trooper's sabre cleaved his head. 
Joe Billings was my comrade's name ; 
He was a Bosting boy, and game ! 
I almost wished I'd died instead. 

Why, lad ! what makes yer tremble so ? 
Your father ! what, my comrade Joe ? 

F 81 



THE YOUNG TRAMP. 



And you his son? Come ter my heart! 
My home is yours ; I'll try, in part, 
Ter pay his boy the debt I owe. 



MOTHEirS DOUGHNUTS. 

El Dorado, 185 1 



IVe jest bin down ter Thompson's, boys, 

'N' feelin' kind o' blue, 
I thought I'd look in at "The Kanch," 

Ter find out what wuz new, 
When I seen this sign a-haugin' 

On a shanty by the lake: 
"Here's whar yer gets yer doughnuts 

Like yer mother used ter make." 

I've seen a grizzly show his teeth ; 

I've seen Kentucky Pete 
Draw out his shooter 'n' advise 

A " tenderfoot " ter treat ; 

83 



MOTHER'S DO UaHNUTS. 

But niithin' ever tuk me down, 
'N' made my benders shake, 

Like that sign about the doughnuts 
Like my mother used ter make. 



A sort o^ mist shut out the ranch, 

'N' standin' thar instead 
I seen an old white farm-house. 

With its doors all painted red. 
A whiff came through the open door— 

Wuz I sleepin' or awake? 
The smell wuz that of doughnuts 

Like my mother used ter make. 

The bees wuz hummin' round the porch 

Whar honeysuckles grew; 
A yellow dish of apple sass 

Wuz sittin' thar in view; 

84 




.85, 



MOTHERS DOUGHNUTS, 

'N' on the table by the stove 
An old-time "johnny-cake," 

'N' a platter full of doughnuts 
Like my mother used ter make. 

A patient form I seemed ter see, 

In tidy dress of black; 
I almost thought I heard the words, 

" When will my boy come back ?" 
'N' then — the old sign creaked ; 

But now it wuz the boss who spake, 
" Here's whar yer gets yer doughnuts 

Like yer mother used ter make." 

Well, boys, that kind o' broke me up, 
'N' ez I've " struck pay gravel," 

I ruther think I'll pack my kit, 
Vamose the ranch, 'n' travel. 

87 



MOTHER'S DOUGHNUTS. 

I'll make the old folks jubilant, 

'N', ef I don't mistake, 
I'll try some o' them doughnuts 

Like my mother used ter make* 



aS' 



HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. 



" Peay how is your daughter, friend Scroggins ? 

I hear that she had quite a fall 
While dancing the German, last evening, 

At Montague's recherche ball. 

"I'm so^ry Miss Laura was injured. 

And hope that no serious harm 
Will ensue from the fall; I assure you 

Wife and I were quite filled with alarm. 

"Those dresses with trails are a nuisance; 

They didn't w^ear them in our day. 
No wonder that accidents happen 

With such things to get in one's way. 

89, 



HE DIDN'T UNDEB8TAND. 

" When we used to dance, my dear Scroggins, 
There were no such/puUbacks' as these 

To mar our delight in the ^ mazy,' 
And trip us, perchance, on our knees. 

"You could balance, and go down the centre, 

And dance the Virginia reel, 
Without walking half up a panier. 

With the bustle caught on to your heel. ^ 

"Mrs. Grundy called over this morning, 
And said, with a smirk and grimace, 

That Laura, last night at the party, 
Was horribly banged round the face. 

"So I thought I'd come over and ask you 

If she was improving to-day. 
And if we could be of assistance 

In any conceivable way; 



90 



HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. 

"Mrs. Grundy said — " ''Zounds, Mr. Jenkins, 

Just tell Mrs. G. to be hanged ! 
There's nothing the matter with Laura ; 

'Twas her hair, not her face, that was ' banged.' " 



91 




HOLLER-SKATING. 



IN FOXJR ^CTS. 



ACT I. 

"Ho, ho!" said careless Willie Gates; 
" Who couldn't learn on roller-skates ?" 

93 



BOLLEB - SKATING. 



ACT II. 



" Ah, ha !" said he, as on the floor 
He struck out boldly for the door 



ACT III. 

"So, so!" observed the roller-skates, 
"We'll interview young William Gates." 




93 



E OLLEU - SKA TING. 



ACT IV. 



" Oh ! Oo-o-o !" said Willie, meek and humble, 
" I thought 'twas easy ; now I ' tumble.^ " 



94 



PREVALENT POETRY. 



A WAN^DEEiNG tribe, called the Siouxs, 
Wear moccasins, having no shiouxs; 

They are made of buckskin. 

With the fleshy side in. 
Embroidered with beads of bright hyiouxs. 

When out on the war-path, the Siouxs 
March single file — never by tiouxs — 

And by "blazing" the trees 

Can return at their ease, 
And their way through the forests ne'er liouxj 

All new-fashioned boats he eschiouxs, 
And uses the birch -bark caniouxs; 

95 



PREVALENT POETRY. 

These are bandy and light, 
And, inverted at night, 
Giv^e shelter from storms and from diouxs. 

The principal food of the Siouxs 
Is Indian maize, which they briouxs. 

And hominy make, 

Or mix in a cake. 
And eat it with pork, as they chionxs. 

At^ M, AU ^ ^ ^ .At, 

^^ 'J^ ^P "TV* "Tr 'TP' "TV* 

Now, doesn't this spelling look cyiouxrious? 
'Tis enough to make any one fyiouxrious! 

So a word to the wise ! — 

Pray our language revise 
With orthography not so injiouxrious. 



THANKSGIVOG. 



Within a garret, cold and forlorn, 

A group is gathered Thanksgiving morn: 

Father and mother, with children three — 
One but a babe on the mother's knee. 

Haggard and pale is the father's face, 
Where lingering sickness has left its trace ; 

While the careworn look on the mother's brow 
Tells of the sorrow upon her now. 
a 97 



THANK80IVmO. 

Hungry and faint from the lack of food, 
With scanty clothing, no coal nor wood; 

A broken table, a bare pine floor — 
What have they to be thankful for? 

Thoughts like these to the parents come. 
While sitting here in their cheerless home. 

The children, nestled upon the bed, 

A fragment of carpet over them spread, 

Are blind to their parents' mute despair; 
And the little girl, with a pitying air, 

Says, " What do poor children do, I wonder, 
With no warm carpet to cuddle under; 




99 



THANKSGIVING 

" No papa and mamma to give 'em bread, 
And tuck 'em up when they go to bed?" 

Tear-drops start from the father's eyes; 
Prayers from the mother's lips arise. 



Footsteps fall on the creaking floor; 

A knock is heard on the chamber door. 

A bluff " Good-morning '^ their query brings, 
And, " Sambo, you rascal, fetch up the things !" 

While the squire's darkey, with cheerful grin, 
Food and clothing brings quickly in. 

"Lord bless you, ma'am ! why, who'd a knowed 
That folks lived up in this 'ere abode? 

101 



THANKSGIVING. 

'' 'Tain't fit for a barn, 'n\ ez I'm a sinner, 
I'll take you all to my house to dinner. 

'^I'll find you work when you're strong and well, 
'N' a better place than this 'ere to dwell — " 

And the squire paused, while a tear arose, 
And dropped unseen on his ruby nose. 

As the baby boy, with a happy look, 
A rosy apple from Sambo took, 

And the children gathered, with hungry eyes, 
'Round the platter of doughnuts and pumpkin 
pies ; 

While the grateful mother could only say, 
"Truly, this is Thanksgiving Day!" 



103 




103 



THE BUTCHER'S COURTSHIP. 



"Oh, my Mary Ann," he side, 

" Will you be my loving bride ? 
I cannot liver 'nother day without you. 

Your bright smile lights up my heart, 

Whisper yes, beefore we part, 
And the tenderlines of love I'll cast about you !" 

Then the rascal, growing bolder. 

Drew her head upon his shoulder. 
While the ribbones on her bonnet fluttered free. 

And fore -quarter of an hour 

They reclined within the bower. 
And she promised him she ever true would be. 

105 



TEE BUTCHER'S COURTSHIP. 

"Now," says he, "I must be goin' — 

Don't you hear the cattle loin ? 
I can tarry here no longer, love, to-day; 

You can steak a silv^er dollar 

I shall be a steady caller; 
Keep your pluck and spirits up while I'm away !" 



Then he turned to cross a mead 
Where the horned cattle feed, 

And wasn't paying very much attention 
To the gender of the herd. 
When there suddenly occurred 

Au accident he fain would never mention. 



He chanced to look a round. 
When towards him, with a bound. 
Came their masculine protector o'er the lea 

106 



THE BUTCHERS COUBTSHIP. 

And so brisket seemed to him 
That his chance was rather slira 
To flank him, or to even shin a tree. 

He was bull dosed, so to speak, 

Sorely rumpled, cowed and weak, 
And will steer hereafter clear from bulls and cows. 

The tail, alas ! is sad ; 

Would'st shun a bull that's mad ? 
Then beware the quick contraction of his browse ! 



107 



MY INFUNDIBULIFORM HAT. 



The scenes of my childhood, how oft I recall ! 
The sports of my youth, with my kite, top, and 

ball; 
And that happy day when, with spirits elate, 
I took my first step towards manhood's estate, 
With a new coat and vest, bosom shirt and cra- 
vat, 
And debut with my infundibuliform hat. 

How I stooped beneath awnings full seven feet 

To the no small delight of my friends passing 

by; 

108 



MY INFUNDIBULIFOBM HAT. 

And the sport that I made for the boys at the 

store 
When I "chalked" at the height of my "tile" 

on the door; 
One foot and two inches — I think it was that — 
My guess on that infundibuliform hat. 




109 



MY INFUNDIBULIFOBM HAT. 







Then my maiden attempt as a maiden's gallant 

When I proffered my elbow, with glances aslant; 

And the walk to her dwelling that evening so 

fair, 

Not to speak of the tete-a-tete when we got 

there, 

no 



MY INFUNDIBULIFOBM HAT. 

The forfeit I claimed, as together we sat, 
When she tried on my infundibuliform hat. 

^ •TT ^ W •??» ^ ^ 

Well ! boys will be boys, and we men, after all, 
Would gladly be freed from Time's pitiless thrall, 
And live those days over, when, single and free — 
Zounds ! wife's looking over my shoulder to see 
What I have been writing. . . . Well, we've had 

a spat, 
And she smashed my infundibuliform hat. 



Ill 



THE LITTLE CONQUEROR. 



" ' 'TwAs midnight ; not a sound was heard 
Within the'"— "Papa! won't 'on 'ook 

An' see ray pooty 'ittle house? 

I wis' 'ou wouldn't wead 'ou book" — 

" '• Within the palace, where the king 
Upon his couch in anguish lay ' " — 

"Papa! FsL-pa! I wis' 'ou'd turn 
An' have a 'ittle tonty play " — 

" ' No gentle hand was there to bring 
The cooling draught, or bathe his brow; 

His courtiers and his pages gone ' " — - 
"Turn, papa, turn; I want 'ou now^^ — 

112 




H 



113 



THE LITTLE CONQUEROR. 

Down goes the book with needless force, 
And, with expression far from mild, 

With sullen air and clouded brow, 
I seat myself beside the child. 

Her little trusting eyes of blue 

With mute surprise gaze in my face. 

As if in its expression stern 

Reproof and censure she could trace. 

Anon her little bosom heaves. 

Her rosy lips begin to curl ; 
And with a quiv'ring chin she sobs, 

"Papa don't 'uv' his 'ittle dirl !" 

King, palace, book — all are forgot ; 

My arms are 'round my darling thrown 
The thunder-cloud has burst, and lo ! 

Tears fall and mingle with her own. 

115 




DOT LEEDLE LOWEEZA. 



How dear to dis heart vas mine grandsbild Low- 



eeza 



Dot shveet leedle taughter off Yawcob, mine son ! 
I nefer vas tired to hug und to shqveeze her 
Vhen home I gets back, und der day's vork 
vas done, \ 

116 



DOT LEEDLE LOWEEZA. 

Vhen I vas avay, oh, I know dot she miss me, 
For vhen I come homevards she rushes bell- 
mell, 
Und poots oup dot shveet leedle mout' for to kiss 
me — 
Her " darling oldt gampa," dot she lofe so veil. 




Katrina, mine frau, she could not do mitoudt her, 
She vas sooch a gomfort to her, day py day ; 



117 



DOT LEEDLE LOWEEZA. 

Dot shild she make efry von habby aboudt her, 
Like sunshine she drife all dheir troubles avay. 

She holdt der vool yarn vhile Katrina she vind it, 
She pring her dot canifire bottle to shmell; 

She fetch me mine pipe, too, vhen I don'd can find it. 
Dot plue-eyed Loweeza, dot lofe me so veil. 




How shveet, vhen der toils off der veek vas all ofer, 
Und Sunday vas come, rait its qviet und rest, 



118 



DOT LEEDLB LOWEEZA. 

To valk mit dot shild 'mong der daisies und 
clofer, 
Und look off der leedle birds building dheir 
nest ! 

Her pright leedle eyes, how dhey shparkle mit 
pleasure ! 
Her laugh it rings oudt shust so clear like a 
bell; 

I dink dhere vas nopody haf sooch a treas- 
ure 

As dot shmall Loweeza, dot lofe me so veil. 

Vhen vinter vas come, mit its coldt, shtormy 
veddher, 
Katrina und I ve musd sit in der house, 
Und dalk off der bast by der fireside toged- 
dher, 
Or blay mit dot taughter off our Yawcob 
Strauss. 

119 



DOT LEEBLE LOWEEZA. 




Oldt age, mifc its wrinkles, pegins to remind us 
Ve gannot shtay long rait our sbildren to 
dvell ; 
But soon ve shall mejet niit der poys left pehind 
us, 
Und dot sbveet Loweeza, dot lofe us so veil. 



120 



MINE KATRINE. 



You vouldn't dink mine frau^ 
If you shust look at her now, 
Vhere der wrinkles on her prow 

Long haf been, 
Vas der frdulein blunap und fair, 
Mit der wafy flaxen hair, 
Who did vonce mine heart enshnare- 

Mine Katrine. 

Der dime seems shord to me 
Since ve game acrosd der sea. 
To der gountry off der free 
Ve'd neffer seen ; 

121 



MINE KATRINE. 



Bud ve hear der beople say 
Dbere vas vork und blendy bay 
So I sbtarted righdt avay 
Mit Katrine. 



Oh, der shoy dot filled mine house 
Vhen dot goot oldt Toctor Krauss 
Brought us "Leedle Yawcob Strauss," 

Shveet und clean ; 
Vhy, I don'd pelief mine eyes 
Vhen I look, now, mit surbrise, 
On dot feller, shust der size 

Off Katrine! 



Den "dot leedle babe off mine," 
He vas grown so tall und fine — 
Shust so sdrait as any pine 
You effer seen, 

132 



MINE KATRINE. 

Und der beoples all agree 
Sooch fine poys dhey neffer see. 
(Dhey looks much more like me 
As Katrine.) 

Veil, ve haf our criefs und shoys, 
Und dhere's naught our lofe destroys, 
Budt I miss dhose leedle poys 

Dot used to been ; 
Und der tears vill somedime sdart, 
Und I feels so sick at heart, 
Vhen I dinks I soon must part 

From Katrine. 



Oldt Time vill soon pe here, 
Mit his sickle und his shpear, 
Und vill vhisper in mine ear 
Mit sober mien: 

123 



311 NE KATRINE. 

" You must coom along mit me, 
For id vas der Lord's decree ; 
Und von day dhose poys you'll see 
Und Katrine." 



124 



VERSIFIED PUNS. 



Some running rhymes, neither profound nor wise, 
To swell this book to a convenient size. 



CRYPTOGAMIC. 

Augustus and Nelly were walking 

Through the meadow, one bright summer day, 
And merrily laughing and talking, 

When some toadstools they saw by the way. 
" Do the toads really use these to sit on V 

Said Nelly — " now don't make a pun, Gus, 
If you do, like the subject we've hit on, 

I'll deem it the meanest of fun - Gus." 

125 



VERSIFIED PUNS. 
PENNY WISE. 

" Can you tell me," said a punster 
Who had in our sanctum popped, 

And upon the floor was seeking 
For a penny he had dropped — 

" Can you tell me why, at present, 
I am like Noah's weary dove ?" 

And he glanced with inward tremor 
Towards a gun that hung above. 

" Would'st thou know V he queried, blandly, 

As he dodged the cudgel stout 
Which we shied at him in anger — 

" 'Tis because I'm one cent out.'* 

ADVICE FOR THE NEW YEAR. 
ScHPEND someding less as vot you earns ; 

Pay all der notes vhen dhey comes due ; 
Don'd you forget von half you learns. 

Nor bifce off dwice vot you can chew. 

136 



VERSIFIED PUJSrS. 



A FLOORER. 



Says Pat to his girl, " Be the Powers, 
A conondhrum I hev fur ye, dear! 

Why are ye like the goddess of flowers? 
Sure ye nivir will guess it, I fear ! 

" The ansor Fll be afther givin' : 

Now thin, d'ye mind, me swate Nora ? 

It's two shtories high ye are livin', 
That makes ye a rale second Flora !" 



GOING THROUGH THE RYE. 

Says the Captain to Pat, 

" Come, I'll have none o' that !" 

As Paddy of whiskey was drinking his fill. 
With a satisfied sigh. 
As he finished the "rye," 

Says Paddy, " Be Jabers, I don't think ye will !" 

127 



VERSIFIED PUNS, 

ALL IN HIS EYE. 

He jumped on board the railway train, 
And cried, " Farewell ! Lucinda Jane, 

My precious, sweet Lucinda !" 
Alas ! how soon he changed his cry. 
And, while the tear stood in his eye, 

He said, " Confound Loose Cinder !" 

FALL POETRY. 
A CERTAIN young woman, named Hannah, 
Slipped down on a piece of banana ; 

She shrieked, and oh - my'd ! 

And more stars she spied 
Than belongs to the star - spangled banner, 

A gentleman sprang to assist her. 

And picked up her muff and her wrister. 

" Did you fall, ma'am ?" he cried ; 

" Do you think," she replied, 
" I sat down for the fun of it. Mister ?" 

128 



VERSIFIED PUNS. 

EARLY RISING. 

"... Rise with the lark, 
And with the lark to bed — " 

Why for a pattern choose the lark — 

Rise in the morn while yet 'tis dark, 
And with the early bird to bed repair ? 

Why not take bruin for example? 

Of promptness, pray, what better sample ? 
'Tis said there's nothing s'urly as a bear. 



TIME'S CHANGES. 

'TwAs in Arabia's sunny land 

He wooed his bonny bride ; 
His umber Ella, rain or shine, 

Was ever by his side ; 
But now he does not Kaffir her, 

No love tale does he tell her; 
He'd fain Bedouin something: else- 

Alas ! poor Arab - Ella. 

I 129 



VERSIFIED PUNS. 

HOME MEMORIES. 

" Be it ever so humble, 
There's no place like home !'* 

I'm sitting again 'neatb the old elm - tree's shade, 
And viewino; the fields where in childhood I 

strayed ; 
The breeze fans my cheek, and the birds go and 

come. 
While I listen, entranced, to the bee's soothing hum. 

Hum, hum — sweet, sweet hum ! 

Tho' it ever so humble • bee — 

— ! ! — M I * ^ * He'g stung me I vum ! 

COUNTRY SOUNDS. 
The humming of the bees, 
Wafted on the scented breeze. 

And the robin's tender notes are very fine; 
But sweeter, far, to me 
Than the hummino- of the bee 

Is the meltinjj^ tender loin' of the kine. 

130 




131 



VERSIFIED PUNS. 

THE BACHELOR'S CONSOLATION. 

Oh, dear ! this gout and rheumatiz, 

I fear I shall go wild ! 
But though I am a bachelor, 

And have no chick nor child, 
I know that when I am no more-^ 

Let folks say what they please— 
Although I have no kith nor kin, 

I'll have my leg - at - ees. 

PAT'S LOGIC. 

"The greatest burd to foight," says Pat, 
" Barring the agle, is the duck ; 

He has a foine large bill to peck. 
And plinty of rale Irish pluck. 

"And, thin, d'ye moind the fut he has? 

Full as broad over as a cup ; 
Show me the fowl upon two ligs 

That's able fer to thrip him up !" 

133 



YEB8IFJED PUNS. 

THE LOVER'S LAMENT. 

" 'Im sitting on this tile, Mary," 

He said, in accents sad, 
Removing from the rocking - chair 

The best silk hat he had ; 
And while he viewed the shapeless mass. 

That erst was trim and neat, 
He murmured, " Would it had been felt 

Before I took my seat !" 



ALMOST AN ARGONAUT. 

'Twus in the fall of 'forty - nine 
The gold fever broke out, 

'N' I'd hev been a pioneer 
Without the slightest doubt, 

But Molly, here, took on 'n' said, 
" Ar go naut, dearest Joe 1" 

I thought I'd argy not with her. 
So, boys, I didn't go. 

134 



VERSIFIED PUNS. 

WHAT'S HONOR. 

Ask not the soldier in the battle's van, 

Nor yet the statesman, uncornipt as gold, 
But her beneath your own roof- tree, who can, 

And will most willingly, to you unfold 
The secret. Bid her mark your neighbor's wife 

When she her ample wardrobe seeks, to don her 
Fine garments; when she reappears, my life 

I'll stake, your better half can tell what's on her. 



CASABIANCA. 

The boy stewed on the burning deck. 

Whence all but him had fled; 
And when they shouted, "Leave the wreck!" 

He turned and hotly said, 
"Tm goin' down with this 'ere ship--) 

Hulk, mast, jib-boom, and spanker; 
And when I've made my briny trip, 

You'll find Casa - by - anchor." 

135 



VERSIFIED PUNS. 



SHARP SHOOTING. 



"I'm an archer, dear, no longer," 
Said a maiden fair and bright 

To her beau, with lip a - quiver — 
" Webster says, ^ Toxophilite/ " 

Then she gave her beau a narrow, 
Searching glance, with pert grimace, 

While he thought his love was archer 
Than Diana in the chase. 

" William Tell me how you like it ;" 
"Well enough," replied the wight; 

"It is true, among the archers, 
Oftentimes, talk's awful light." 



THE END. 



136 



THE STARTLING EXPLOITS OF DR. J. B. QUIES. 

From the French of Paul Celiere. By Mrs, Cashel 
HoEY and Mr. John Lillie. Profusely Illustrated. 
Crown 8vo, Extra Cloth, |1 75. 

It is one of the best bits of fun we have read for a long time — we may 
even say the very best bit of that kind of fun which is pronounced without 
being too broad or too boisterous. — The Spectator^ London. 

This enchanting book should become one of the most popular among the 
season's novelties. The artist's work is worthy of Bertall in his prime. — 
Saturday Revietv, London. 

The book abounds in laughable situations, arising from the conflict be- 
tween the doctor's desire to be at rest and the perverse fate which urges 
him on, and it will be read with unflagging interest. — Christian at Work, N. Y. 

The conception is carried out in a very novel manner ; in his guileless 
simplicity and childishness the doctor is a fit companion to Mr. Pickwick, 
and he must be a chronic dyspeptic who does not find himself laughing over 
the healthful humor with which the book fairly bubbles over. — Philadelphia 
Record. 

We commend Dr. Qui^s to tired, bored, overworked, and, sadder yet, under- 
worked readers, who will welcome so fresh and bright a writer as Celiere 
with keen relish. — Chicago Tribune. 

The learned doctor is subjected to a series of wonderful adventures, the 
contemplation of which, heightened by the wit and vivacious style of the au- 
thor, cannot fail to cause the reader to indulge in constant laughter at his 
expense. . . . Nearly every page is handsomely illustrated. The engravings 
are artistic, and admirably refiect the spirit of the author. — Albany Press. 

A piece of perfectly delicious French wit. The adventures are droll, and 
the circumstances are stated with a detail and fidelity that are surprisingly 
well sustained. The character of the doctor is cleverly drawn, and one can- 
not read his adventures without being broken up by the irresistible wit of 
the book. — Hartford Daily Courant. 



Published by HARPER & BROTHERS, New York. 

II^^" The above work sent by mail, postage prepaid, to any part of the United States 
or Canada, on receipt of the price. 



THE ADVENTURES OF JIMMY BROWN. 

Written by himself, and Edited by W. L. Alden. Illus- 
trated. 16mo, Extra Cloth, $1 00. 

It recounts the offences of a lively boy against the proprieties and con- 
ventionalities of society, and is as full of excellent fun as it can well be. 
Unlike certain books of its class, which portray vulgarity if not vice, the 
boyish pranks here recorded will bring no blush of shame to the reader. — 
Chicago Interior. 

Tliis Jimmy Brown, who tells his stories in a boy's way, is an especially 
observing and critical little fellow, and he very naturally often makes sur- 
prises by his amount of knowledge and his unconscious estimates of char- 
acter. It is an entertaining book for juveniles and older people. — iSt. Louis 
Republican. 

This is one of the most amusing books for young people ever issued from 
the American press. It relates the ludicrous experiences of a bright and 
mischievous boy, who gets himself and other people into all sorts of trouble 
in making practical application of the instruction received from his parents 
and teachers. — Albany Press. 

It is a most fascinating book, full of amusement for old and young, and 
wholly free from evil of every kind, which last is a thing, unfortunately, that 
cannot be truly said of many of the humorous books of the time intended 
for juvenile perusal. — N. V. Coimnercial Advertiser. 

It is a genuine boy's book, and so thoroiiglily reflects boy nature and boy 
mischief, and is so completely in harmony with boy thought and boy meth- 
ods of reflection that it seems almost an emanation of one of the most rest- 
less and most unreflecting of that amusing tribe. — Boston Gazette. 

These short sketches of scrapes into which Jimmy Brown, a mischievous 
boy, unhappily falls, are written in Mr. Alden's funniest vein. They will 
please the boys of all classes. There is fun enough in the book to keep the 
average boy laughing for several months. They are decidedly ingenious as 
well as humorous. — Cincinnati Commercial -Gazette. 

Mr. Alden's wit ... is always of a character that amuses Avithout leaving 
any feeling of annoyance or dissatisfaction behind it. — N. Y. Times. 



Published by HARPER & BROTHERS, New York. 

ICF~ The above work sent by mail, postage prepaid, to any part of the United State-< 
or Canada, on receipt of the price. 



COX'S WHY WE LAUGH. 

Why We Laugh. By Samuel S. Cox. 12mo, Cloth, |1 50; 
4to, Paper, 25 cents. 

The lovers and appreciators of good things througliout the length and 
breadth of the land will rise up and call him blessed for what he has here 
gathered together for their delectation. . . . Especially rich are his descrip- 
tions of passages at arms on the floor of Congress, in which such men as 
Ivandolph, Clay, Hale, Tristam Burgess, Tom Corwin, Ben Hardin, Proctor 
Knott, Douglas, Butler, Schenck, Nye, Jolin Cochrane, and others took part. 
Here we get dozens of anecdotes which are thoroughly fresh. — Boston Tran- 
script. 

Mr. Cox has rare skill as a raconteur, and always clusters his anecdotes^ 
jokes, retorts, epigrams, and quiddities in such a way that they emphasize 
and illustrate each other. — Appleton^s Journal, N. Y. 

It is a book to read, to laugh over, and to enjoy. — Albany Journal, N. Y. 

Contains the largest, best, and most amusing collection of American 
" quips and jests," wit and humor, racy anecdotes, and ready retorts yet put 
toge th er . — Phila delphia Pi 'ess. 

A chapter of this is a better remedy for indigestion than a bushel of in- 
visible pills ; and the book itself is an admirable prophylactic for most of 
the maladies of man. — Commercial Bulletin, Boston. 

Mr. Cox's book, we are sure, will entertain the reader, whoever he may be, 
who takes it up to divert a dull hour. — JV. Y. Evening Post. 

It is a book of good humor, which keeps the muscles of the reader re- 
laxed, and provokes a pleasant inward merriment which lubricates all the 
joints of the mind and sets all the kind feelings gently flowing. Mr. Cox 
has made a really good book, which will diffuse happiness wherever it circu- 
lates. — N. Y. Daily Oraphic. 

The volume is both amusing and instructive, and contains enough novelty 
of matter and treatment to give it a place in literature and recommend it to 
the reading, thinking, laughing world. — St. Louis Republican. 

Mr. Cox makes out a very good case for American humor, and illustrates 
its different phases witli spirit and intelligence. — Chicago Inter-Ocean. 



Published by HARPER k BROTHERS, New York. 

g®= The above work sent by mail, postage prepaid, to any part of the United States 
or Canada, on receipt of the price. 



BOMER'S DIALECT TALES. 

Dialect Tales. By Sheewood Bonnek. 8vo, Cloth, $1 75. 

These sketches are both entertaining and interesting. They are full of 
genial and healthy humor, and embody the results of a remarkably keen ob- 
servation. — The Critic^ N. Y. 

All the stories deal with curious phases of life and character at the South, 
and afford a realistic and entertaining glimpse of persons and things not to 
be met with elsewhere ; the delineations of negroes, their ways and ideas, 
and of moonshiners, and the wild conditions of existence among these out- 
laws being specially strong and telling. The stories are full of humorous 
situations and amusing dialogues, while the style is brilliant and racy. — 
Boston Post. 

There could be nothing more inimitable of their kind, and absolutely per- 
fect in their way, than these humorous and pathetic tales by Sherwood Bon- 
ner. The imitation of the negro dialect, of negro traits, characteristics, 
habits, manners, is absolutely faultless and true to the very life. — New 
Orleans Times-Democrat. 

The individuals and scenes are realistic as photographs. ... No such crisp, 
breezy, vigorous stories have appeared in any single volume since Bret 
Harte's earliest and best ; with the flavor of wild fruit in them, and a spir- 
ited personality that would have to assert itself wherever it was. — Literary 
World, Boston. 

As a representation of manners, this collection of stories has quite a posi- 
tive value, while those who read for entertainment's sake alone ought to find 
abundant amusement in its several chapters. — Philadelphia Telegraph. 

Sherwood Bonner's book is overflowing with quaint humor, and some of 
the incidents so delightfully told would cause the most confirmed dyspeptic 
to forget his ills, " Dialect Tales " is handsomely illustrated, and will fur- 
nish many an evening's pleasure about the fireside. — Buffalo Express. 

They are studies from life by a close observer with a kindly touch, who 
feels sincerely the passion as well as the absurdity, the pathos as well as the 
fun, of her subject. — Boston Transcript. 

One of the most entertaining books it has been our luck to read for a long 
time. — JSF. Y. Herald. 

Published by HARPER & BROTHERS, New York. 

11^" The above work sent by mail, postage prepaid, to any part of the United States 
or Canada, on receipt of the priee. 



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